Who will get me out of this quagmire?

Who will get me out of this quagmire?
She is 2 years older than me. I met her when I went back to her hometown to visit. Our first date was at the city children’s hospital – where she worked. She took me to have minor surgery on my toe. After that, we fell in love…
She is a Catholic, she asked me if I would study to join her in religion, and if my parents had prejudices about religion. I started reading the Bible and going to church with my sister every weekend.
You are the perfect woman for me, you are so delicate and profound, you understand what I like, what I want, no matter what I do that doesn’t please you, you always find a way to make me change voluntarily without raising your voice or arguing, you love and sacrifice for me so much.
I remember the day I was eating ice cream at I Love Kem, I confessed my love but she didn’t agree, but she smiled happily. When she got home, she told me I had to have flowers before she agreed, isn’t that cute? And that was also the last time I was allowed to confess my love to you…
When I realized that the feelings between me and her were starting to grow, I knew that I could no longer continue this relationship, so I tried to distance myself and leave her. I used the excuse that my family did not accept religious people, she cried a lot, she ran to find me, begged me, but I was still cruel to her, so in the end I couldn’t answer all her questions, so I had to tell the truth: you already have a lover!
I laughed and said I also guessed the same. After that, she and I still went back and forth together, still slept together, she often told me that she didn’t want to be a virgin, she felt sorry for my girlfriend, but she still tried to save me, hoping that he would come to me. Gradually, we grew cold and saw each other less, we still kept in touch and occasionally went to dinner and watched movies together.
At this point, we have known each other for 2 years, and next October I will go to Germany to work. On this occasion, we will see each other more, our feelings will rekindle, stronger than before, however, I already know the stop and limit. When I realized that my time with you was running out, I started to feel pain, I remembered the old memories with you, the roads, the restaurants we had together, the happy times, the bad things I did to you, I gnawed on everything to torment myself, obviously the more I thought about it, the more it hurt, maybe that’s what I deserved after my mistakes .
I have a lover (a long-distance relationship) and still know her. I know that in love the most sacred thing is loyalty. I know I was terribly wrong and too miserable and shameless to say these words, but in life, whatever happens, it will happen and it is inevitable, I could not have imagined that one day I would fall into a state like this. Before, I was selfish and valued my feelings when I wanted you and wanted to keep my lover. Now you’re about to go to Germany, I’m disappointed, really sad, but in the end, I still pray for you to pass the exam to qualify to pass there. More than ever, I want the best things to come to you. It’s sad, but that’s what I will give you with the little time I have left.
Right person but wrong time, so tragic, right? Every night I think about my mistakes, about the past between me and you, I cry, because I’m sad, because I suddenly realize that this love is too cruel.
I wrote my feelings here tonight, knowing that I will receive a lot of criticism because I am not a faithful man, but I still hope to receive advice from you all, so that I can escape this stream of emotions and thoughts that linger like a quagmire.